In a Jam
by DefinitelyNotScott
Summary: Katarina wants to deflower Garen and raise the first Crownguard assassin. Talon and Lux burst her bubble. Fair warning: the Noxians are a bit more... lewd in this one than my other stories.
1. Breakfast

Katarina was expounding on her new favorite topic over breakfast. "...and then I'll raise the baby to be an assassin. Can you imagine a Crownguard slitting throats?" She slapped the table for emphasis, nodding her head in pleasure at her plan. Cass murmured a vague noise of agreement without looking up.

"I don't have to," said Talon, picking up another piece of toast.

She shot him a narrow-eyed look of displeasure.

"What." Choosing to be defiant this morning, was he?

"Luxanna slits throats with the best of them."

She felt less pleasure than usual watching him pile an enormous amount of jam on his toast to feed his ridiculous sweet-tooth.

"Liar."

Cass looked up, attention captured by an entirely different part of the statement.

"Ooh. "Luxaaaaanna" is it?"

"I'm not her friend, and I'll be damned if I call her "Miss Crownguard."" He took a vicious bite of jam.

Cassiopeia's throaty laugh coiled out. "A very sound point." She returned her attention to her papers.

Katarina redirected the conversation back to the important flaw in his statement. "Whatever you call her, she's never slit a throat in her life."

"In Noxus. I saw her." He glowered back at her. "Invisibility." He wiggled his fingers.

"Maybe _once_, but not _regularly_."

"She could."

Katarina put her elbows on the table to rest her chin on her hands and open her eyes wide. "And you know this because of your deep, soulful connection to Miss Lux-a-nna?"

Cass tittered, bringing clawed fingers up to cover her mouth. Talon's glower deepened.

"We play tag."

Katarina leaned back, blinking in confusion. "Tag."

"Yes," he growled, and disappeared.

Both sisters rose frantically from their chairs. Cass turned this way and that seeking to catch a scent of him with her tongue. Katarina concentrated on weaving her blades through the air in defensive patterns. How does he do that when you're looking right _at_ him? She wondered for the ten thousandth time. Sparring with Talon had given her a new empathy for victims of her Shunpo. Still no sympathy, but empathy she now had.

Talon reappeared behind Cass and tapped her jugular with two fingers. "Thus," he said, and vaulted backwards away from Cassiopeia's retaliatory strike.

"God, Cass! Not inside!" Katarina said, backing away from the poisonous cloud.

She turned back to Talon. "So you play non-lethal throat-slitting games with Luxanna Crownguard." Talon just stared back at her, face flat, his hand reaching up casually to touch his own throat. Or, wait, maybe not casually. What had he said?

"With the best?" she burst out. "That means she gets you too!" Cass ceased her squawking to gape at Talon, who only frowned more and yanked his traitor hand down to his side. Katarina stifled a giggle. "Oh, I have _got_ to hear this from the horse's mouth." Cass sprang forward, petrifying Talon in his first step of pursuit, shouting, "You'd better share!" to Katarina's retreating back.


	2. Tea Time

She tracked Lux down in the common eating area, ankles crossed and nursing a cup of hot tea.

"Can we talk?" she said, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

"Yeah. I've been meaning to talk to you too."

"So I hear you and Talon play "Tag."" She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Is that what he calls it?"

"You didn't know?"

"Please. Outside of matches I think he's said five words to me, and that's if you count grunts and hisses. But, yeah, we play sneaky-person one-upsmanship or whatever he calls it."

Katarina's eyes gleamed. "Do you have any good stories?"

"Uh, that sounds like a good way to turn this into something more serious than a game."

"Are you sure there's not some way I could convince you?"

Lux raised an eyebrow. "Hmmaybe. But first let's talk about _my_ brother."

Wow. Her conversation-turning skills were seriously sub-par.

"O_kay_..." Katarina rolled her eyes. She was going to get what she wanted.

"So if you keep on like you have been it's going to be super embarrassing for you."

"What." She sat up and took her chin off her hands.

Lux rolled _her_ eyes. "Listen. I know everyone in Noxus likes to pretend Garen's some kind of blushing virgin. It makes him less threatening or whatever. But if you don't bring your A-game he's going to be all "Well, that was nice, now let's do something exciting!" and that's just embarrassing."

Katarina didn't know if she was being played. She narrowed her eyes. "I always bring my A-game."

"Fine. Just don't say I didn't warn you." Lux stood and paused picking up her satchel. "Oh, could you give this to Talon?" She pulled out a jar of golden jam. "You can tell him it's not poisoned. Or maybe tell him it _is_ poisoned." She shrugged. "Whichever. I leave it to your discretion."

Completely distracted from her original goal, Katarina set off in search of Talon.


	3. Speedy Delivery Service

Katarina swung into the window and, interrupting Talon's grunts, said "Hey, Talon... Oh, blonds now?

Talon looked up from his whore. "Is this urgent?"

"Oh, no. No, no." She leaned back against the wall with a smirk. "I can wait."

Talon rolled his eyes and brought his hips back into play.

Cleaning her fingernails with a knife, Katarina commented "Your technique is terrible." Talon ignored her, but the whore's eyes were starting to pinch nervously. "Seriously, if this were a fight I would be jumping in to save your ass." She paused. "Or not. If this were a fight you would deserve to die."

Talon sighed and put a finger on the whore's lips to silence her increasingly nervous moans. "Shut up," he said, unnecessarily. "We're going to finish very quickly, and then you are going to leave, just as quickly. Understand?" Wide-eyed, she nodded her comprehension.

A few seconds later Talon rolled off of her, slapping her ass as she scrambled out of bed toward the door (and away from the Noxians). "What?" he said, rubbing at himself with a sheet that was already none too clean.

Knife sheathed, she folded her arms and glared at him. "Since when is _Garen Crownguard_ a ladies man?"

"Since when am I a handbook on Demacian sexual mores?" He reached for his pants.

"You've done missions there."

"You too." He grumbled, standing on one leg. Apparently even Talon put his pants on one leg at a time. She snorted to herself, and he threw her a suspicious look.

"Stabbing people, not... infiltration." She frowned.

It was Talon's turn to snort. He switched feet. Idly she wondered if he was really as unbalanced as he looked, or if it was an act. She refrained from testing her theory with a boot to his ass in the name of getting information out of him.

Covered at last, he cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Explain this thing to me!" she hissed, angry at him for dragging things out so long.

"He's single." He shrugged.

At her growl he continued. "Before, it's a free-for-all. Once there's a wedding or engagement..." He reached out and snuffed a candle with his fingers. "And what red-blooded Demacian girl (and maybe a few boys) won't do their patriotic duty when The Might of Demacia starts batting his loooong eyelashes at 'em?"

"You are shitting me," she stated.

He held his hands up, grinning. "Just repeating. No guarantees."

"I can't believe you let me get set up like this!"

"You made it blatantly obvious your love-life was none of my concern."

"Awwww." She grinned. "Are you telling me you don't do redheads any more? I noticed you'd switched to blonds, but I didn't realize it was a _permanent_ thing."

He pulled her close at the waist, where she could smell his sweat and the whore's perfume.

"Don't worry baby, redheads still do it for me." He looked down and patted his crotch. "Not tonight though, I've shot my bolt."

She shoved away from his bare chest with both hands, laughing. "You should talk to Quinn, or Vayne. They don't have any trouble keeping their crossbows... cocked."

He laughed too. "Or maybe get me something with cooldown reduction!"

She snickered as she headed over to the window. "Well, I'd better get going. _Apparently_ I have some research to do."

Talon grunted, perhaps in acknowledgement.

"Oh!" said Katarina, snapping her fingers in feigned remembrance. "I almost forgot." She produced the jar of jam. "Your precious Luxanna asked me to give this to you. She wanted me to be sure and tell you it was poisoned." She tapped a finger on her lip, puckering her brow. "Or was it be sure and _not _tell you it was poisoned? Hmmm. She was kind of vague, truth be told." She swung her legs over the sill and set the jar down. "Ta-ta!" She left Talon alone to stare dubiously at the jam.


	4. Epilogue: Second Breakfast

Talon was late to breakfast. The sisters were taking advantage of the unmonopolized jam when he came in and snagged it to layer onto his biscuit.

Halfway through her last piece of toast Katarina noticed Talon still wasn't eating. Then the golden color of the jam dropped a tumbler in her memory.

Choking a bite the rest of the way down her throat, she pointed her finger at him. "Talon," she accused, voice rising. "Is this the poisoned jam?"

Cass paused, spoonful of jam-flavored yogurt halfway to her mouth.

Katarina caught the corner of a smile on his downturned face. "I don't know," he said. His finger traced the rim of his plate. "Why don't _you_ tell _me_?"


End file.
